Don’t tell me to CALM DOWN!

Imagine that you're in the middle of a heated argument with someone you love. 

They aren't listening to you, you're getting frustrated and right as you're passionately explaining your point of view, they interrupt you with these two fateful words:

How does that feel?

Does that make you want to respond with, "Oh, yes! You're right, I will calm down!"

Or does your entire being engulf in a fiery rage?

Just me?

Nobody likes to be told calm down when they’re not feeling calm.

When you are emotional or passionate, you want your feelings to be validated and heard, not be told they are irrational or unnecessary.  In that moment, you aren't a problem that needs to be fixed—your feelings are justified! 

And yet, you probably dismiss your own nervous system all the time.

When you're at work, with your kids, or all by yourself and you feel that wave of anxiety or stress hit you, what do you do?

Do you listen to and validate those sensations? Or do you tell them to "calm down?"

Maybe you don't use those exact words but:

• Do you ever worry that the anxiety you're experiencing  shouldn’t be there?

• When stress hits, do you immediately worry about the health implications? 

• Do you dive into solutions to try and force the feelings to go away?   

All of these are forms of "calm down!" and dismissal.

And when your nervous systems get told to "calm down!" while it is purposefully trying to tell you something, it typically responds just like we do with our partner—with more intense emotion. Trying to calm yourself down right when your body is creating extra energy, focus, and adrenaline creates resistance, is exhausting and makes us feel crazy.

That's why so many stress relief interventions don't work.  

I don’t want to calm you down--that’s not what I do.

Yes, I help clients reduce stress and anxiety. 

Yes, I teach clients a whole toolkit of techniques to help down-regulate their nervous systems.

But solutions only work when you are ready and open for them. 

The same is true with down-regulation.

Nervous system work is complex. Stress can be harmful or stress can be beneficial. Down-regulation techniques can be deeply calming or wildly frustrating.  Building resilience can build our stress capacity or lead to burnout. That's why this work cannot be grasped through watching a few reels on instagram.  It's nuanced, individual and far from straightforward. 

And of course it isn't.  You are using primitive physiology to interact with nonstop stimulus and innovation. Why would it be obvious?

My goal in this work goes far beyond teaching you some breathing techniques. 

I want to teach you how to treat your own nervous system the same way you want your loved one to treat you during an argument—to hear, acknowledge, accept and when you're ready, possibly guide it in a more sustainable direction.

If you're interested in learning more, sign up for a free strategy consult and learn more.