Ghosting, your nervous system & a divided world

Here in the US, we have an epidemic of ghosting culture and selfishness.

Here's an anecdotene--I recently did an event where I partnered with a company for a breathwork & stress event. Interest was immediate and overwhelming so we had to double the available tickets and wound up turning people away. All in all, we had 30 people who RSVP'd & confirmed they were coming.

How many people showed up to that event?

One person.

As a business owner, this happens a LOT.

But it's not just me--it's happening to almost everyone I talk to personally or professionally.

Commitments are now just TBD by our feelings the day of.

And it's undermining our society. 

I believe a lack of trust in each other and in our own word is actually a root cause of the eroding trust we see in government, media and society today.

And I fear all of this self-care is partly to blame.

The self-care industry has blasted out the message to "protect your peace" and "fill your own cup first", which has unfortunately given people the excuse to always just do whatever you feel like.

Self-care has turned into an excuse for selfishness.

I'd wager that most people who bail on plans last minute in the name of self-care aren't staying home to meditate, journal and go to sleep early (things research has proven to recharge us), but instead they're binge watching netflix, while scrolling (things we all know don't recharge us.)

And I get it--tired Kevin never feels like doing the things that will actually fill my cup in the long-term.

But as Leonard Cohen wrote,

"I don't trust my inner feelings - inner feelings come and go."

In a world where we are overstimulated, under-rested and SURROUNDED by things that can make us feel great in the short-term--youtube, ice cream, porn, vapes, weed, alcohol--but make us feel hallow, anxious or depressed in the long-term, it can be incredibly difficult to trust our feelings to guide the ship.

The truth is that when you are able to push past the impulse to blow something off last minute, you almost always end up feeling better for having shown up.

And here's what REALLY matters:

When we live in a community or society where we are all constantly backing out on each other, just not showing up or deciding last minute we don't feel like it, then we all subconsciously feel less safe, less protected and as a result we're put into a more heightened state of threat detection.

And being in this state is exhausting and unsustainable--it's a constant low-grade stressor that can lead to illness.

Knowing somebody has your back puts us at ease. 

Knowing you can count on someone dials down the vigilance.  

But when we don't feel like we can rely on others or trust that they will do what they say they will, it not only degrades our mental and physical health, but I believe this is contributing to so much of the tribalism, polarization and animosity we see in our world.

We aren't meant to fend for ourselves.

We evolved in packs, in communities and the primary way your nervous system helps you regulate is in relationship to others, not alone.

All this self-care is in great part just trying to make up for us living in a sick, overstimulated society.  

The more community your cultivate, the less self-care is required.

So if you care about building a more truthful, empathetic and safe society, it starts with building trust within your community.

When you sign up for a yoga class, do you go?

When you tell a friend you'll be at their party, do you show up? 

When you RSVP yes to your friend's improve show, do you bail last minute?

None of these things seem like they matter much, but they do.

How safe, protected and connected you feel is the foundation for not only physical, mental & emotional health, but also the health of a community or country.

And if you want there to be change, it has to begin with you. 

My name is Kevin & I want you to help you live a more resilient, intentional life.